you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
