please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
