my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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