My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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