I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
