I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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