i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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