I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
