the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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