Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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