I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i think i just lost a toe
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
