What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
