i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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