yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
