bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You took a bar mat shot.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
