I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You need a sexual gate keeper
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
