my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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