you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
you never un-have a 4some
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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