There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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