so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
