you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Drake has all the answers
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
