Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
