# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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