I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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