I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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