It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
