I'm going to jail i love you
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
