i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
