my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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