He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
