How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
