so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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