those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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