I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
