that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
