She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
