I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
