I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
