Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
