I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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