it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Randomize
