Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
