there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
