is your mom at the bar?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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