I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
