in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
