So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
