Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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