fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Who died my cat blue again?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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