Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
